Time

Time is a tricky thing to process. Well, it is for me, anyway. Here's a video that logs a bit of my and Ryan's years together so far. It's crazy how quickly it seems that things change.

Lucy Loves Windows

With all these windows, there are only about 2 hours in any given day that there isn't any direct sunlight for Lucy to nap in. Those two hours are sad, sad times. She usually spends them pouting in my bedroom.

Music

**DISCLAIMER--this post is meant to be read with music. I refuse to accept responsibility for this post seeming really lame unless you at least try it out with the music. I'm looking at you, Ryan.**

So since this blog is about music and how it affects us, I'm including a piece of music that I really enjoy to augment the writing. Hopefully it's not too big of a pain to indulge me and push play before reading on. It will be worth it, I promise. I can't say for sure how the song will make you feel but I can say that you'll at least think it's pretty.



A lot of people really enjoy sharing music with others, myself included. I've come to realize lately that, with few exceptions, we're not trying to share the song so much as we're trying to share a feeling. But feeling the same thing as another person is tricky business, even with a tool like music to help guide you. Brain chemistry, personal experiences, and cultural attitudes all play integral roles in what we feel when we experience any form of art. Setting aside differences in brain chemistry that limit us all in varying ways as far as accessing the emotions that the musician is trying to tap into, we all value emotions uniquely.

Take love, for instance. In our culture, romantic love is revered and so when we hear a song that elicits that feeling, most of us appreciate that as a positive thing. But if someone raised in a culture that equivocates romantic love with being a flighty, horny-pants creeper, they might not appreciate it in the same way at all--even if the song manages to tap into their emotions the exact same way. I think that's fascinating. And it leads me to my point: I was listening to a song today and I felt something...great. I'm hoping that if I write the experience down that you'll be able to feel what I felt to some degree so that I'm not just sharing this song but the emotion that it helped me gain access to.

For me, the holy grail of emotion is a cocktail of intense love, longing, and--because of the ever-present knowledge of impermanence--mourning. But the knowledge that everything I love, myself included, will one day be lost makes these moments so exquisitely, painfully beautiful that the feeling becomes intoxicating--even addictive. A combination of music, exercise, and being outside in nature are the only surefire combination to tapping into that feeling.

I was out on a run today and the serendipitous timing of the song, the place on the road, and the seeds of emotion already within me allowed me once access to the feeling. Only this time it was taken even a step beyond what I'm normally able to experience. It was as if, just for a moment, time stopped being linear and I could see the entire thing--past, present, and future laid out in front of me like everything was all happening at once. I saw myself being taken care of as a helpless babe by my parents, just as I saw myself caring for my babies and then my parents when they're in the twilight of their lives.  I saw myself at the point where I'll need round-the-clock care. And I hoped that when my turn comes to need that help that I will have been able to direct enough love outward into others (and be lucky enough) that caring for me is not a burden to them but a natural expression love. Because we all fall. The fact that our bodies will someday turn against us is, to me, such a powerful motivator to both enjoy everything that our bodies can currently do for ourselves as well as others. I don't know how much longer my body will be up to the task of facilitating my desires but it can now and that is so incredibly wonderful. The fact that I'm not able to feel constant gratitude for it is the only tragedy.

But. Music is a fantastic tool in feeling and glimpsing, if just for a moment, the important things. Can you feel it? And what is your favorite emotion to tap into?

The New House

Helen pointed out that I have yet to post any pictures of our new place which I guess I need to remedy because it is the whole reason we moved to Provo, after all. :)


Outside

Front door

Kitchen

Living Room

Main Stairway

Stairway/living room

Sunrise from living room

Worth the 40 mile move, right? I feel like we had no choice; our hands were tied. Bonus--I'm really enjoying Provo so far. It's a total happy coincidence that we seem to actually like the area that our house happens to be located.

Bears is 4!

Bears just celebrated his 4th birthday and my mom had the brilliant idea to make his birthday celebration a costume party. At Bears' request, the cake and other birthday treats were all spooky:

He invited all of his family and friends and I must say, it was some pretty grand times.

I was not there to see this but apparently, Biscuits and their cousin Dom were having a grand time with the trash can and both got pretty caught up in the delight of doing super naughty stuff like taking things out and then putting them back into the trash can. They couldn't believe their luck at being able to get away with such a thing.

Here is Bears in his full spooky glory. This costume was...much scarier in person than the packaging led me to believe. I kind of felt like an abusive parent after seeing what it really looked like but on the bright side, Bears sure was pumped about it. The spookier the better as far as he's concerned.

Bears has been pretty passionate about dressing up since he was two years old and his excitement over costumes just continues to get more and more intense. On any given day he'll dress up in at least a few different costumes and it's not unusual for him to spend the majority of his free time changing into various ensembles. He's also gotten really into organizing them all. It's really cute to see him carefully put his various outfits in the special shelves and cubbies that he's designated for them.

Here's the happy birthday video. Ryan pointed out that he had a cute delighted smile on his face the whole time and I'm so glad that my dad managed to get it on video because I was too distracted to notice it at the time. Would have been a shame to miss it.


His actual birthday was a couple of weeks after the party and we celebrated with just our little family. I asked him which he liked better--the big party with all his friends and family or the tiny party with just us and he said, "BOTH!" Very excitedly. Of course, it really isn't surprising since he did receive costumes on both days. Here's the video of just us singing happy birthday to Bears in his new pirate costume:

Mr. Rogers

A few weeks ago, Bears walked up to me wearing a button-up shirt with slacks, a tie, and an inside-out pajama jacket and informed me that he was Mr. Rogers. He continues to spend the majority of his time dressing up and I've got to admit, this particular costume is the most endearing of them all to me. Instead of reading stories before his nap today, he wanted to show me how Mr Rogers changes from his fancy suit coat and fancy shoes into his casual sweater and slip-on shoes. After taking off his suit coat (a jacket I got back in high school), he carefully hung it up and put his fancy shoes directly underneath in the closet. The intensity of his concentration was matched by the pride he clearly felt in being able to do this all by himself. He then took his inside-out pajama top of the hanger and put it on in a fastidious way, making sure everything looked perfect, before slipping on his casual shoes. After examining the getup critically in the mirror and finding it acceptable, he decided that it was time to get back into the fancy stuff again. As he was buttoning up his "suit coat," he looked at me with worried eyes and asked if Mr Rogers could have more than one button on his coat and was very relieved when I told him yes.

Here he is, just about ready:

Annd panicking because he's just realized that it's all just a farce without a tie:

Much better. Bonus, this outfit seems to double for Harry Potter as well. I'm sure that'll come in handy when he's a bit older.

Provo Tales

So we found a lovely glass house on a beautiful tree-filled 1/2 acre lot. Both Ryan and I loved it immediately which is a pretty big deal because in about five years of browsing houses together, that has never happened. So we didn't hesitate and purchased the sucker. Oh, and it's in Provo.  We've heard stories of Provo being a...less-than-ideal place to live but figured that it was just hype. I have to say, though, in the two weeks that we've been here, I've had some very colorful experiences with the local folk. Take last night, for instance.

I'd just pulled into the driveway and walked through the front door when Ryan noticed that a small car had pulled up behind mine. "uhh...so somebody followed you?" he said. A moment later, there was a knock on the door, which Ryan answered. On our doorstep stood a wiry, fidgety guy in his mid twenties. "Hi, Mr. Jolley, is Will here?" he said.

Okay, so first off, Jolley is the last name of the people that used to live here. And they're both in their late 60's. And white. But maybe this guy really was a friend of the Jolleys and is just one of those people who don't see race. Or age. Or defining features, height or build. Like the ultimate example of a super progressive person back in the 90's.

"Oh, I'm not Mr Jolley." said Ryan and he went on to explain about how the Jolleys had moved out and asked if there was anything that we could do for him. The guy fixed both of us in a blank, glassy stare and asked if we were Mormons. We said that both of our families were LDS and very active but that we were not. "Ahh black sheep!" he said excitedly,  "Me too! High five!!" Then followed the most awkward high fives in all of history. He attempted to also high five Bitties but Bitties just looked terrified, cried, "mama!" and clung to my pants. Then the guy caught sight of Lucy and decided to try and engage her but she stayed doggedly (har har) where she was, giving him that unnerving, googly-eyed look that she's so good at. Since engaging the kid and dog wasn't working, he decided to tell us all about himself.

He'd just started going back to church after years of inactivity and showed off his "G's" through his shirt. I asked him if it felt good to get back into it. He grimaced and said, "I guess. I'm dating a girl and she wants to get married in the Temple, so..." He trailed off and looked at me for encouragement. I guess my expression wasn't very encouraging because he changed the subject. "So are you guys from here?" he asked. We told him that we were from Salt Lake but we really liked the house and figured that Provo wasn't too far away. "But..." he said, "it's...Provo. You really moved all the way out here just for a house? There are houses everywhere! Didn't anyone ever tell you that it sucks here? I hate Provo!" He then proceeded to tell us about his amazing home up on the east bench of Provo that had the best views ever. This was followed by silence on our end. Then more silence.

"So!" he said, "I'd just like to leave you fine people with one last thought. What's the most important thing in life?"

"Well it's houses, obviously." I joked. He looked at me sadly and said, "no...no. It's family. Look at your child!" He gestured emphatically at Biscuits, "THAT. That is the most important thing. And the VERY  MOST important thing is for you to find your own personal god, or creator, or entity, or whatever that thing might be and to do WHATEVER it tells you to. There is nothing more important than that. It's the only thing that will give your life any purpose." He then bared his teeth at us menacingly, pointed to his mouth and said, "and always do this!" I'm wondering what in the world he could be getting at until he explains, "smile. It's scientifically proven that you can only be happy if you're smiling. Well, it was lovely to meet you! I'm Jameson. Good night!"*

Ryan closed the door and we just looked at each other for a moment, wondering what that exchange was. We agreed that he certainly did seem to have conviction and hoped that Jameson's own personal entity didn't have nefarious intentions towards us or we were in trouble.

Annnd that's basically Provo so far. A bunch of passionate people who exuberantly share their varied views--the only one that just about everyone seems to agree on is just how terrible Provo is. Someone should really start some sort of city pride campaign. Poor Provo is bound to get a complex with all this trash talking.

*After he read this, Ryan has informed me that while I included most of the conversation, I somehow didn't manage to convey how awkward and uncomfortable the whole experience was. I will just say that this conversation with Jameson lasted almost 15 minutes--and in that entire time, we never got a clue as to why he was there and what he wanted. So that right there should give at least some indication as to the strangeness.

Experiments

Bears is super pumped about experiments--aka anything involving baking soda/vinegar or soda/mentos combinations.  It must either explode or at least make a big fizzy mess in order to be a true experiment. Obviously. Biscuits even gets excited about it occasionally these days.

Also, Bears is pretty obsessed with this song called Royals by Lorde lately and insisted that it be used in the video.

Santa! and Randoms

Man.  My kids really love santa.  I didn't even have to photoshop Biscuits into the photo at all because he wasn't on the verge of crying and clinging to me like a koala bear just because we were in vicinity of the big furry man. How fortuitous. Side note, I found out that nearly everyone puts their crying kid into santa's lap because sobbing children are hilarious and adorable.  I tried to approximate what it might have looked like, for the sake of adorableness, but Biscuits is a terrible fake cry-er:

Still, not shabby for a 17-month-old.  Bears is super into Christmas this year.  He loves talking about Santa and discussing various Christmas stories.  Despite my admitting that Santa is just part of a story that we tell based off of a really generous guy named St Nicholas that lived a long time ago, Bears remains doggedly convinced that Santa, himself, is real.  Along with the treat fairy, potty fairy, nap fairy, witches, monsters, vampires, and (of course) zombies. I'm thinking of making things like Santa into an exercise in critical thinking and just drop hints over the next couple of years to help him discover the truth for himself. We'll see how it goes.

Earlier today, Bears stuffed a balloon in his shirt and said that he was going to have a baby.  He then pulled the balloon out, plopped it on the floor and pronounced himself a mommy.  He then began lamenting the fact that it didn't have yellow hair and began trying to tie another balloon to the top and with a little help from me, his baby soon had lustrous, yellow-balloon hair. But oh no.  It didn't have a face.  Bears asked me to draw a happy vampire face because he loves vampires.

Then he realized that babies are sometimes sad.  And are not really vampires.  So I drew a "real baby" on the other side:

He actually spent a good five minutes rocking the balloon when it was sad until it turned into a happy vampire baby.  This is probably the closest he's ever come to playing any caregiver-type game. He'll be a great daddy one day, I just know it. Full disclosure, after that five minutes of gentle play, he then spent at least ten minutes kicking and throwing the balloon around.  But.  In Bears' defense, that balloon/humpty dumpty baby is one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen.

Thoughts on Life. And Things.

I really hope that someday I'll get to experience the phenomenon of my life flashing before my eyes.  How cool would that be? My memory isn't all that great so I don't think it will take all that long to list off most of the highlights of my life; those times when you know life will never be any better than it is during this moment.

Here goes:  Playing in the various ditches near Grandma Anderson's house with my brothers...and then all of us playing in the field out behind Grandma Olsen's house as well as pulling out tons of carpet sample books from the dumpster of the carpet outlet that was also just behind her house. To be fair, this is when I was like five so I didn't realize it was possible to get any better than sorting through giant piles of garbage.  Running along the little path through the oak trees with my two best friends, Tess and Heather during recess.  This is the first time I can actually remember consciously thinking to myself, "remember this.  Remember the way the light is streaming through the trees, how beautiful everything is and how happy you feel. Remember that you'll never get this moment back." I thought back on that moment just a few years later and scoffed at my 10-year-old self for not knowing anything of the awesomeness of life to think that the pinnacle of life is running around in some stupid trees.  Ahhh...idiot teenage Laura. Exploring a canyon in Zion, just me and my dad. Hiking with April up to "the cave" (miners had drilled 20 yards or so into the mountain) then lighting candles in said cave to help us with our witchcraft, exploring a sparkling, frozen-over pond with April under a full moon. Hiking in the mountains with Tess and my mom, respectively. Falling in love with Ryan. Locke smiling at me for the first time.  Feeling baby Fox land in my own arms as I delivered him.  Okay...so now that I've gotten going, there are quite a bit of highlights that I can think of. I could easily rattle off another 50 or so but I'll stop there.

I was lucky enough to experience another highlight today.  Bears was at church with Papa and Diddums, Ryan was at his office hanging out with his friend Noah. This left me with the opportunity to head up into the canyon, just me, bitty Fox, and Lucy.  With Fox on my back and Lucy at my side, we charged up the canyon like nobody's business.  Everyone that we passed had a huge smile on their face - typical when you're out in nature but there seemed to be another element at play here as well.  That feeling of almost desperate nostalgia that comes during those last lovely fall days.  It's a time when it's impossible to ignore the constant state of flux that is our existence and the fact that all things change; all things end.  It's a reminder that if everything goes as it should, my children, as I know them, will be gone in the not-too-distant future.  In their place, hopefully, will be responsible, empathetic adults who would be completely unrecognizable to me if I were to meet them today. They will have grown from my boys but they will have little in common with them - they won't even share any of the same cells and few, if any, memories.  But I suppose that without knowledge of impermanence, it would be impossible to fully appreciate the wonderful moments as they're happening. Such is the bittersweet beauty of mortality.

Bitty Fox started tapping my arms with his toes - a signal that he was in desperate need for some toe tickles. I obliged and soon he was cackling with laughter and rocking violently side to side  - the signal that means I should also violently rock side to side while hiking.  It was some grand times that went on for about 20 minutes.  Everyone we passed was damned impressed.  I could tell by all the sideways, embarrassed glances that we started getting.  The scene was so wonderful that it was almost impossible to stay in the moment.  I was trying so hard to sear this perfect moment in my mind - the red and gold leaves gently falling and seeming to dance with us, joining in our happiness before resting on the ground. I thought about the little Fox cub riding on my back - this boy who loves being held by his mama, playing peek-a-boo by smacking his face and saying "a - BOO!", calls out "daddy!" with delight whenever Ryan comes home, and excitedly says, "RAHR!" whenever anything is put on his head, whether it's his brother's scary mask or a pink glove. He's changing so fast that I don't know how much time I'll have with this little Biscuits before every defining characteristic I know has vanished.  But I know that I will love the next manifestation of both of my boys every bit as much as I'll miss the current ones.

Ahhh...Life.  Pretty great, right? I sure am a fan.  But the kind of fan that no one really wants. Like if Life was a rock star, I'd be that fan running up to the stage, screaming about how I loved them and they're the best, only get dragged off by the bouncer (who is Chronos, obviously. stupid time.) for punching them in the face while loudly proclaiming, "I defy you and will never have to lose the things I love!" That'll show them. But seriously, Life, you're the best.