Provo Tales

So we found a lovely glass house on a beautiful tree-filled 1/2 acre lot. Both Ryan and I loved it immediately which is a pretty big deal because in about five years of browsing houses together, that has never happened. So we didn't hesitate and purchased the sucker. Oh, and it's in Provo.  We've heard stories of Provo being a...less-than-ideal place to live but figured that it was just hype. I have to say, though, in the two weeks that we've been here, I've had some very colorful experiences with the local folk. Take last night, for instance.

I'd just pulled into the driveway and walked through the front door when Ryan noticed that a small car had pulled up behind mine. "uhh...so somebody followed you?" he said. A moment later, there was a knock on the door, which Ryan answered. On our doorstep stood a wiry, fidgety guy in his mid twenties. "Hi, Mr. Jolley, is Will here?" he said.

Okay, so first off, Jolley is the last name of the people that used to live here. And they're both in their late 60's. And white. But maybe this guy really was a friend of the Jolleys and is just one of those people who don't see race. Or age. Or defining features, height or build. Like the ultimate example of a super progressive person back in the 90's.

"Oh, I'm not Mr Jolley." said Ryan and he went on to explain about how the Jolleys had moved out and asked if there was anything that we could do for him. The guy fixed both of us in a blank, glassy stare and asked if we were Mormons. We said that both of our families were LDS and very active but that we were not. "Ahh black sheep!" he said excitedly,  "Me too! High five!!" Then followed the most awkward high fives in all of history. He attempted to also high five Bitties but Bitties just looked terrified, cried, "mama!" and clung to my pants. Then the guy caught sight of Lucy and decided to try and engage her but she stayed doggedly (har har) where she was, giving him that unnerving, googly-eyed look that she's so good at. Since engaging the kid and dog wasn't working, he decided to tell us all about himself.

He'd just started going back to church after years of inactivity and showed off his "G's" through his shirt. I asked him if it felt good to get back into it. He grimaced and said, "I guess. I'm dating a girl and she wants to get married in the Temple, so..." He trailed off and looked at me for encouragement. I guess my expression wasn't very encouraging because he changed the subject. "So are you guys from here?" he asked. We told him that we were from Salt Lake but we really liked the house and figured that Provo wasn't too far away. "But..." he said, "it's...Provo. You really moved all the way out here just for a house? There are houses everywhere! Didn't anyone ever tell you that it sucks here? I hate Provo!" He then proceeded to tell us about his amazing home up on the east bench of Provo that had the best views ever. This was followed by silence on our end. Then more silence.

"So!" he said, "I'd just like to leave you fine people with one last thought. What's the most important thing in life?"

"Well it's houses, obviously." I joked. He looked at me sadly and said, "no...no. It's family. Look at your child!" He gestured emphatically at Biscuits, "THAT. That is the most important thing. And the VERY  MOST important thing is for you to find your own personal god, or creator, or entity, or whatever that thing might be and to do WHATEVER it tells you to. There is nothing more important than that. It's the only thing that will give your life any purpose." He then bared his teeth at us menacingly, pointed to his mouth and said, "and always do this!" I'm wondering what in the world he could be getting at until he explains, "smile. It's scientifically proven that you can only be happy if you're smiling. Well, it was lovely to meet you! I'm Jameson. Good night!"*

Ryan closed the door and we just looked at each other for a moment, wondering what that exchange was. We agreed that he certainly did seem to have conviction and hoped that Jameson's own personal entity didn't have nefarious intentions towards us or we were in trouble.

Annnd that's basically Provo so far. A bunch of passionate people who exuberantly share their varied views--the only one that just about everyone seems to agree on is just how terrible Provo is. Someone should really start some sort of city pride campaign. Poor Provo is bound to get a complex with all this trash talking.

*After he read this, Ryan has informed me that while I included most of the conversation, I somehow didn't manage to convey how awkward and uncomfortable the whole experience was. I will just say that this conversation with Jameson lasted almost 15 minutes--and in that entire time, we never got a clue as to why he was there and what he wanted. So that right there should give at least some indication as to the strangeness.