Thoughts on Life. And Things.

I really hope that someday I'll get to experience the phenomenon of my life flashing before my eyes.  How cool would that be? My memory isn't all that great so I don't think it will take all that long to list off most of the highlights of my life; those times when you know life will never be any better than it is during this moment.

Here goes:  Playing in the various ditches near Grandma Anderson's house with my brothers...and then all of us playing in the field out behind Grandma Olsen's house as well as pulling out tons of carpet sample books from the dumpster of the carpet outlet that was also just behind her house. To be fair, this is when I was like five so I didn't realize it was possible to get any better than sorting through giant piles of garbage.  Running along the little path through the oak trees with my two best friends, Tess and Heather during recess.  This is the first time I can actually remember consciously thinking to myself, "remember this.  Remember the way the light is streaming through the trees, how beautiful everything is and how happy you feel. Remember that you'll never get this moment back." I thought back on that moment just a few years later and scoffed at my 10-year-old self for not knowing anything of the awesomeness of life to think that the pinnacle of life is running around in some stupid trees.  Ahhh...idiot teenage Laura. Exploring a canyon in Zion, just me and my dad. Hiking with April up to "the cave" (miners had drilled 20 yards or so into the mountain) then lighting candles in said cave to help us with our witchcraft, exploring a sparkling, frozen-over pond with April under a full moon. Hiking in the mountains with Tess and my mom, respectively. Falling in love with Ryan. Locke smiling at me for the first time.  Feeling baby Fox land in my own arms as I delivered him.  Okay...so now that I've gotten going, there are quite a bit of highlights that I can think of. I could easily rattle off another 50 or so but I'll stop there.

I was lucky enough to experience another highlight today.  Bears was at church with Papa and Diddums, Ryan was at his office hanging out with his friend Noah. This left me with the opportunity to head up into the canyon, just me, bitty Fox, and Lucy.  With Fox on my back and Lucy at my side, we charged up the canyon like nobody's business.  Everyone that we passed had a huge smile on their face - typical when you're out in nature but there seemed to be another element at play here as well.  That feeling of almost desperate nostalgia that comes during those last lovely fall days.  It's a time when it's impossible to ignore the constant state of flux that is our existence and the fact that all things change; all things end.  It's a reminder that if everything goes as it should, my children, as I know them, will be gone in the not-too-distant future.  In their place, hopefully, will be responsible, empathetic adults who would be completely unrecognizable to me if I were to meet them today. They will have grown from my boys but they will have little in common with them - they won't even share any of the same cells and few, if any, memories.  But I suppose that without knowledge of impermanence, it would be impossible to fully appreciate the wonderful moments as they're happening. Such is the bittersweet beauty of mortality.

Bitty Fox started tapping my arms with his toes - a signal that he was in desperate need for some toe tickles. I obliged and soon he was cackling with laughter and rocking violently side to side  - the signal that means I should also violently rock side to side while hiking.  It was some grand times that went on for about 20 minutes.  Everyone we passed was damned impressed.  I could tell by all the sideways, embarrassed glances that we started getting.  The scene was so wonderful that it was almost impossible to stay in the moment.  I was trying so hard to sear this perfect moment in my mind - the red and gold leaves gently falling and seeming to dance with us, joining in our happiness before resting on the ground. I thought about the little Fox cub riding on my back - this boy who loves being held by his mama, playing peek-a-boo by smacking his face and saying "a - BOO!", calls out "daddy!" with delight whenever Ryan comes home, and excitedly says, "RAHR!" whenever anything is put on his head, whether it's his brother's scary mask or a pink glove. He's changing so fast that I don't know how much time I'll have with this little Biscuits before every defining characteristic I know has vanished.  But I know that I will love the next manifestation of both of my boys every bit as much as I'll miss the current ones.

Ahhh...Life.  Pretty great, right? I sure am a fan.  But the kind of fan that no one really wants. Like if Life was a rock star, I'd be that fan running up to the stage, screaming about how I loved them and they're the best, only get dragged off by the bouncer (who is Chronos, obviously. stupid time.) for punching them in the face while loudly proclaiming, "I defy you and will never have to lose the things I love!" That'll show them. But seriously, Life, you're the best.